We’re all just repeating situations hoping for a better outcome and if we dont seek therapy, life repeats.
I did fall inlove a while ago but with someone id invented which isnt ideal and he was based on someone that existed but because I had such low self esteem I took every negative attribute about myself converted them into positive attributes and projected them onto someone else thus healing and completing me. So I went to this party so I could prehaps see him and weeks had been building up until this moment and all I could manage when I saw him at the party was a kind of polite nodd and I dont know if he saw it he didnt nodd back and then I felt awkward about approaching him at all and an hour went past and I couldnt approach him. and then I saw him leave, I saw him leave the party and then he was gone. three weeks go by of sadness and pain, regret. Ive turned him into the only person I can possibly be with in my life. A few weeks later I saw him in a shop and it wasnt a co-incidence, I had put him in that shop with my god mind. I knew that it was a moment where I had to go up to him, I also knew I couldnt approach him with my personality. I dont know if you can tell, but this isnt a voice that lends istself to getting sex and relationships. and what you need is a less anxious, cooler voice. So awkward all the time, its a ridiculous way to be. even though I feel were all one I still feel a constant detachment to people. I didnt want to be that person anymore. In an ideal world I wouldve been able to go up to him and say
‘hey, I saw you the other week, how are you?’
‘ofcourse, I remember the nodd…why are you crying?’
‘beacuse Ive got too many sinks. I dont know why but i feel like I have to ask you to get some coffee or some juice or something and I dont know if that works out we could move to the country together’
‘ok, well let me just purchase this effortlessly cool cardigan and we can talk to an estate agent’
here’s what actually happened;
for some reason what I thought would be really cool and seductive was to stand in the middle of the shop and shout his full name. he turned around alarmed, I could see the terror in his eyes. Id started at a certain volume I thought it would be too odd to get any quieter. So im just shouting at him and it occured to me to ask do you have a night off? he said yes I have monday nights off. I said I know of a cool club that we can go to. its cool to me because I went to the same club for three years. every saturday night. three years. I remember the last time I went there I threw up (I used to throw up there quite alot, I used to drink alot because I wasnt happy. I dont want to judge you if you’re drinking but you know its because you’re unhappy right?) I was trying to get to the toilet and I didnt make it. I threw up on the dancefloor. I looked at what I’d done and I was pleased. I thought thats what you deserve, that should be your logo. So I suggested this wonderful avant garde club on a monday night, and I said id message him the details, so casually like that, and he said ok so I then had his number, he had given me his number, I triumphed over this fear of rejection this fear of being in the moment. I went home and I composed this most beautiful, funny, little message, six friends confirmed it was a funny, beautiful message. I pressed send…and this is very much the end of this story. He never replied. not even something negative that I could do something with. just indifference.
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catcream posted this
